Thunderstorms and rains. Tomorrow will be the day for Toronto. Since graduating in 2019, I have been actively searching for life’s meanings, jobs and monetary opportunities. I moved several times. And the conditions of those moves were quite alarming. I have been evicted. The sad thing is I constantly remember those days which makes me worried and full of emotions and ideas. They were nonetheless a reflection of my choice since I immigrated to Canada. I want to take this opportunity to reflect on my background. I was born in Danzhou, China, a southernmost city on a southern most island, Hainan Island. I soon grew up in Haikou, the capital city of Hainan Island after being briefly sent to Chongqing to escape earthquakes and live with my grandparents and my uncle. As I was growing up, I was again sent to half boarding schools on the island. There was one week I sat on the school bus and watched a merchant on a three wheel motorcade being run over and dying in a puddle of blood. I was so shocked. I prayed on the bus for my parents’ safety. I never imagined they would die in any way. However in 2017, my dad, Chen Shangwen, died of cancer and broken legs. I was heartbroken. I cried and felt the grip of grief. Since then I have not been back to China. I have lost friends on this life’s journey. I wonder where I would be in the future. My mother came from China to live with me. She also took care of my everyday as I was diagnosed with mental illness around 2023. I got in touch with my friends in the university. Lifan Zhou said she’s got a mental illness as well. I felt for her and couldn’t imagine how brutal living in China and having mental illnesses could be. In the university I took creative writing courses. I used the skills I learned to develop my website, blogs and other skills. Around 2023 I have had some interviews. I didn’t get any of those jobs. I wonder whether it had something to do with my disability. I applied to this benefit called severe permanent disability benefits the second time. I hoped I would get it. Later I have had an argument or fight or just cold wars with my friends. I blocked them on social media. I got blocked too. I travelled to further develop my portfolio in the hope of getting a job. Then I kind of paused it around June 2026 this year. I had lost my directions. I needed to think closely about my careers and any career moves. There were a lot of scammers and spam too. I got stressed constantly. I hope this would pass as well. Etc.
Leave a Reply